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Dear you,
Amy Lin. I know it’s not my place to say, but you’re the prettiest girl in the room. You’ve got the biggest heart, brightest mind and the widest smile. But I can see further then skin deep. I can see those scars, whether they’re visible or not. Just remember that you’re beautiful. And you’re loved. You may be alone at times, but know that I am there for you. You may hurt so much that you have to cry, but know that I am coming with bandages and love. I will hold you tight and love you. Because you are worthy of love, and life, especially life. Now put down the words and weapons, protect yourself, because you’re worth a thousand stars.
Love me <3
(P.s. You will never know)
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Just Believe.
I don’t believe in much, I find my beliefs in something rather confusing. I wish I could believe in something without being questioned by both others and myself. However, if I could believe in something I’d believe that my head is seriously fucked - or that I am mentally distrubed.
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The Peak and Pit.
I’m not the other girl. Amy and Megan reconciled and are now back together. It’s been the peak of my day knowing they were able to sort they’re out without me being involved. I am truly happy for them.
Unfortunately, the pit of my day is maybe losing my best friend. She has changed, in a bad way and everything she does simply annoys me. It is like she is competing with another friend, wanting to be exactly like her -party until it’s 3am for example. But when it’s me and her everything is normal, she is my best friend again. Amoung all this I find myself being closer to another good friend of mine, Gemma.
Gemma is just simply amazing. We’re on the same wave length with eachother. And since hanging out with this girl I have slowly started to gain some self confidence -and this is what my best friend does not like? That I can stand up for myself without her.
Another pit of my day is getting that feeling again. The tingly I get in my wrist. My throat dry, my stomach churns. The need to find a sharp object and cut, anywhere on my body.
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FML .. Seriously!
I am now a relationship-wrecker!
Amy and Megan broke for good. Apparently they broke up cause Megan complained about some things and Amy didn’t take it well. Like what the fuck?!! I try keeping a distance from BOTH of them and yet I’m the one to cause this stupid break up. There is no point in saying sorry, both are too stubborn to admit that I didn’t do anything when I did!
Amy: It’s fine. She went to you, not the other way around
Your presence highlighted a lot of problems within our relationship
Instead of talking to me first about our misunderstanding, she went to you
There were double standards in place where she didn’t want me talking to you but it was okay for her because she “didn’t realise it was a mistake”Great! Now I look the other girl. The slutty-girlfriend-stealer that I hate so much! Seriously, if there was a God, why didn’t he tell us that life would be so fucking complicated and serious! This a reason why people self-inflict their skin with cuts, why many commit suicide. Life is death for us.
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About me.
I have a problem where I fall too hard on a girl, which is why I can never maintain a stable relationship. There is a new girl now and I’ve made it a plan to not fall hard for her as well, though right now, there are no feelings insisting I do. I could need time? But would this new girl wait for me? Would she meet me half-way? Girls are difficult, which makes them irresistible.
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Melodramatic Tendences
I need to vent about two girls - Amy and Megan. I use to like Megan and told Amy about. What I didn’t know is that both Amy and Megan were going out. Throughout the two-three months Amy kept insisting that there was “actually” something there? She made me even ask Megan to my school ball.
The Saturday that just passed, I received a txt from Megan:
Megan: I just needed to make myself clear. I think you are awesome. But Amy, I like her. A lot. And I needed you to promise me you will talk to her because I think she has something to say to you..
Sunday night I talk to Amy on MSN. She tells me her and Megan are an item and have been since the day I told Amy I liked her.
Amy: I wanted you to Woo her off her feet..
It’s not like I didn’t. She also said-
Amy: The arguments are true, they are about you. She thinks I like you, and I think she likes you as well.
I tried apologizing to both of them-
Amy: It’s not your fault. Don’t apologize.
Me to Amy: I feel guilty for starting shit between you two?
Megan: It was never my intention to get you caught up in our shit, for this I am sorry.
Me to Megan: Don’t be. I caused it, I should be the one who is sorry. You guys never had problems until I came along and fucked it up. So I’m sorry for starting shit in the first place.
Megan: You don’t need to apologize.
WTF is that suppose to mean from BOTH OF THEM?! My brain is drilling with confusion. They have both admitted to me that I’m the cause of their arguments, yet they tell me not to apologize for the damage I have started?!!!!
I don’t know what to do anymore -__-
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Do I Really Care?
I went on a road trip today, and I recently discovered that the girl I use to like has fallen for the girl I like right now. On the ride back home suicidal thoughts ran through my mind. I told them I don’t mind if they go out, but deep down I do. I stage a smile so no one questions. I hide my emotions so no one can see that I’m easy to break. It’s time to go back to the only thing I can truly count on .. the blade. I don’t mean to go back, but its the only thing I can reall count on right now. It’s the one thing that won’t fail me in life.
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Reality < Expectations.
I had a dream that I was running away. My bag was packed and sat by the front door. I was writing a goodbye note, and before I left I took everything in one last time. But didn’t make it out. Instead a man in a dark hood held a gun directly at me, pointed at my head. He cocked his head and smiled, gingerly looking me up and down. My first plan was to call for help, shove past him. But I didn’t. I just copied him, smiling back like it was some joke! “Do it.” I told him, “End me!” He looked at me strangely, lowering his hand that held the gun. He looked at my packed bag, then carefully moved out of the way.
I woke up with an expectation, a motive. To die. This character, who I only know in my subconscious inspired me to die? I’m either fucked in the head or … Nah, I’m fucked in the head. But I’m hoping this man kills me in the end, cause I don’t think I can live anymore.
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Girls Fall like Dominoes.
The ball was surprisingly fun. To see everyone all dolled up and looking like they actually owned a million dollars was priceless. But she was on my mind, though I tried not to think of her she was there, in my subconscious. She wasn’t the only one though, other girls I’m fond of were in my mind as well. How could I mentally phantom who I really want? Throughout the WHOLE night I mentally debated with myself, arguing with my alter-ego.
Never have I fought a battle like that before, espesh on the night where I was suppose to have the time of life? I’m falling for all of them, and I don’t know how to get back up.
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The Time of My Life?
I recently discovered that the girl I’m absolutely hooked on has a girlfriend. Yes, I’m bummed. And of course I’m jealous that someone else gets to have her. I just thought that maybe, for once, there was actually somebody who gave an ultimate fuck about me. I’m always gonna have a soft spot for the girl, that feeling is always going to be there. All I can do is wait, hoping.
At least the ball should look interesting tomorrow night.
